Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my phone needs a breathalizer
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
