She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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