You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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