Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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