You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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