I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
