11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
