Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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