I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
