I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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