I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
