They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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