Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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