I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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