Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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