I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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