Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
