He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
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