She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
