I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he puts the penis in happiness.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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