This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just want nice things and good sex
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
