if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
