I'm drive I can fine osifer
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
