I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
