i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You can't motorboat a personality
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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