We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
