Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize