Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
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