I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
