I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
