Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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