If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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