I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
