I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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