I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
