non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
