I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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