I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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