he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
