I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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