it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
