he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
