you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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