Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
