In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize