i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
