I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
