I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Ketchup is God's man juice
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
