last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
