"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize