whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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