yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
