It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize