Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Randomize
