apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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